04
Jan 2011
My Day On A Porn Set

“You have to be able to get hard on cue,” said one of the producers. “You have to be able to fuck for hours.”

While every red-blooded American man would leap at the opportunity to work in porn, the vast majority of us are unqualified. Most first-timers, full of macho arrogance, are embarrassed to realize they can’t perform in the presence of onlookers, or can’t even last for a couple minutes.

I was too cheap to rent a car, so a friend courteously drove me out here to the unmarked warehouse in the San Fernando Valley to¬†observe the workplace’s daily grind.¬†(He’s gay, and thus wouldn’t normally care about watching hetero porn, but luckily he’ll try anything once.)

The producers, whom I promised anonymity, requested that I deliver a Summer’s Eve Douche box to the starlet of today’s cinematic endeavor. “She already took the enema,” explained one of the pornographers helpfully.

They gave me a tour of the massive studio, which housed numerous sets: a bedroom, a bathroom, a dorm room, an executive office, etc. An enormous naked dude strode across one of the sets, getting himself ready for action. Apparently even fluffer jobs have taken a hit in these tough economic times.

Soon a naked actress sashayed over to meet the masturbating actor. They quickly introduced themselves to each other, and seconds later commenced copulation. Witnessing the scene unfold is a vastly different experience than watching the final product on a screen; it’s mesmerizing instead of arousing, surreal instead of sensual, jaw-dropping instead of pants-dropping. You’re unable to believe what’s transpiring a meter in front of your eyes — I should’ve worn a poncho like the audience members at a Gallagher concert — but you’re also unable to avert your eyes.

“Beautiful, just beautiful penetration,” the director said, impulsively choreographing the positions: “mish” for missionary, “cow” for cowgirl, and “scissors” for… uh… scissors. The actress wailed and moaned with seeming pleasure while on camera, yet between shots — with the dude still inside her — maintained a neutral, businesslike expression. A true thespian.

After 30 enthralling minutes, which became 45 and then 60 (considerably less enthralling) minutes, I had an unlikely epiphany. “I never expected to say this,” I told my friend as the actress gurgled on the actor’s manhood, freshly withdrawn from her rectum, “but this is boring.”

“You feel that way too?” My friend laughed. “I thought it was just because I’m gay!”

You can only watch two people get it on for so long before it grows tedious. And unsavory. For example, the producers shared that menstruation is no excuse for skipping work; actresses insert a makeup sponge to hide the blood. (Good luck masturbating ever again!) At least the talent will “cancel the shoot over a yeast infection.”

“I hate Vanilla Coke,” the actress suddenly shrieked, throwing a plastic soda bottle across the room. And then belching. “Is there any normal Coke here?”

She also said degrading things about herself (“I’m such a worthless piece of shit whore,” “I’m a dumb bitch who deserves this”) even between scenes, which is plain sad. Just as the carbonated beverage was too vanilla for her, I was too vanilla for this situation.

Consenting adults should be able to film whatever they want, and other adults should be able to view the result. You wouldn’t eat sausage, however (no pun intended) if you saw the manufacturing process. The depersonalized fantasies that comprise your spank bank should remain exactly that, because the reality? Is sorta gross.

But it’s never too late to submit a job application. If you have a couple minutes.