17
Feb 2016
I Adopted A Cat And Now Eating Meat Is Kinda Weird

I adopted a cat and now eating meat is kinda weird.

My cat is an obligate carnivore. Meat is her oxygen.

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I eat cows, turkeys, pigs and chickens, yet I love my cat. How are non-feline animals fundamentally different, any less deserving of existence?

My cat’s favorite dinner is Friskies Classic Pâté Mixed Grill, which is probably comprised of cows, turkeys, pigs and chickens at the bare minimum.

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When I accidentally step on my cat’s tail, I see pain in her eyes; when she cuddles with me on the futon, I see love in her eyes. Aren’t eyes the window to the soul?

My cat has become Death, the destroyer of mice.

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I know that agriculture is the leading contributor to climate change. Am I the living embodiment of hypocrisy for turning the lights off at home before I go to a restaurant and order steak?

My cat sits by the heater 99% of the day. She’ll love the coming global apocalypse.

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I worry that I’ll someday have to explain to my grandchildren why, as a young man, I found it acceptable to devour animals. Will they view me as I view slaveholders and Nazis? Will they honor vegans of today as we honor abolitionists and desegregationists of yesteryear? Will they wonder why their grandpa lacked that moral conviction—that moral vision—and if so, will they wonder what is a “Shake Shack”?

My cat won’t have grandchildren. We got her fixed.

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What if some genius invents the translator collar that Dug the dog wore in “Up”? What if we could have actual conversations with the billions of animals we consume every year? What if they understand things about the world that we don’t?

My idiot cat doesn’t even know her own name.

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I try to buy free-range “happy meat” when I can afford it. This is the lesser of two evils, right?

Every time I open the front door, I have to stop my cat from escaping into the goddamn hallway. BEING A STRAY WON’T MAKE YOU A HAPPY KITTY—SOMETHING WILL EAT YOU.

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Technology will eventually replace slaughterhouses with lab-grown tissue, which produces zero carbon emissions and far fewer carcinogens, and lacks any kind of sentience. Factory farms will become obsolete; we’ll never again subjugate our fellow creatures for the sake of satisfying our primal palates. In the meantime, I dunno, maybe I should try Meatless Mondays or something?

If I had a stroke right now, my cat would bite my face off.