14
Jun 2016
Hillary’s Only Choice: Judge Judy for VP

Now that Hillary Clinton has wrapped up the Democratic presidential nomination, many Dems would love to see a Hillary-Bernie unity ticket. However, that’s probably out of the question after Sen. Sanders openly questioned whether she’s “qualified” for the presidency due to her Wall Street ties. And Hillary was quick to meet with Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), who would likely bring Bernie’s fans to the polls in November.

But isn’t Massachusetts a solid blue state already? Warren would excite the base, sure, but can she bring in independents? If Hillary is truly savvy, her choice is clear: it’s gotta be Judge Judith “Judy” Sheindlin. Here’s why…

She’s The Biggest Reality TV Star, Not A Mere Apprentice

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Why does Donald Trump have millions of followers, while most other xenophobic Twitter trolls only have a dozen? Because people know him from television. Name recognition is 90% of the battle, and the average voter has never heard of Sherrod Brown or Thomas Perez.

Politics has become indistinguishable from a reality show, and Judge Judy—with her countless fans across all strata of society—is the undisputed queen of the genre: she’s the highest-paid person on television, which must’ve really gotten under Trump’s orange skin.

She Speaks Her Goddamn Mind

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Trump voters love him because he isn’t afraid to express any fleeting thought that pops into his skull, whereas Hillary can be overcautious and opaque. Well, you know exactly where Judge Judy stands, especially when it comes to deadbeats who need to wise up.

Plus, it’s a tough sell when Hillary criticizes Washington, D.C.—she is Washington, D.C.—but Judge Judy speaks with off-the-cuff authenticity when she lambasts “mediocre politicians … people I wouldn’t let do mundane things in my house”

Agree or disagree with Judge Judy, she’s no mealymouthed flip-flopper.

“I think people are comfortable knowing my perspective—because I think if you try as a judge/television personality to do this kind of job and keep your perspectives, your personal perspectives, a secret, you’re not being honest,” she once told Entertainment Tonight. “And I think that the American viewing audience can tell when somebody’s not being honest—when somebody’s peeing on their leg and telling them it’s raining. I think part of the reason I was selected to do this job was because I don’t filter myself very well.”

Sound familiar?

At the same time, Judge Judy recognizes that a president must have a certain temperament, which she believes the GOP frontrunner lacks.

“I think that if [Trump] really wants to be considered as a real candidate,” she says, “he has to start to temper some of that rhetoric, because while the truthfulness and the candor and the directness of his speeches was appealing for a period of time, in order to be considered … presidential. there has to be a measure in the way you present your argument.”

Now that’s statesmanship. Or should we say “stateswomanship,” because…

She’s A Strong Fucking Woman

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Tina Fey and Amy Poehler… Ilana Glazer and Abby Jacobson… why not Hillary and Judy?

“Women make a terrible mistake,” Judge Judy says, “because they usually are so desperate to nest, that they pick on zhlubs and worthless pieces of trash that they pick up in a bar, and then turn around and give them the keys to their car, invite them to move in, give them a credit card, and they’re surprised one day when their car is gone, their credit card is maxed, and they’re alone.”

That’s the kind of do better message perfectly suited for 2016.

She’s Not A Party Hack

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Most Americans are sick of a two-party system controlled by the same corrupt interests, which is why Trump and Sanders have rallied so much support. Judge Judy is definitely an iconoclast in that vein. She’s an unregistered political independent who has voted for both Democrats and Republicans in the past. Her social progressivism on issues such as gay marriage would go over well in the blue states; her tough-on-time credentials—she’s an ex-prosecutor, after all—and fiscal conservatism would resonate in the red states.

As President Obama himself once asked, “Who doesn’t love ‘Judge Judy’?”

She’s Intimidating As Hell

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Vladimir Putin would easily manipulate Donald Trump by flattering the billionaire’s ego; Judge Judy would make Putin wet himself.

Judge Judy has the finest-tuned B.S. detector of anyone alive; nothing gets past her. She frequently reduces defendants to sputtering embarrassments, tripping over their own words as they try to explain away their small claims offenses. If the ayatollahs were secretly violating their anti-nuke pledge, Judge Judy would extract that intelligence without ever needing to call in Claire Danes.

“And if you annoy me, or if you lie to me, or if I feel as if you’re trying to obfuscate the truth, you’re going to get on my bad side,” she says. “And that’s a side that you don’t want to be on.”

She’s Got Florida On Lock

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The Sunshine State is a must-win for its 29 electoral votes. Not only does Judge Judy call Florida home, but do you think a bunch of Jewish retirees would vote against her?

She Already Has A “Saturday Night Live” Parody

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C’mon, Cheri Oteri needs the work.

And Even If Judge Judy Doesn’t Become Vice President…

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Consider the fact that, according to CNN, “10% of college graduates think Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court.” Hey, if Congress won’t give the open SCOTUS seat to current nominee Merrick Garland…