OK, I’ll admit it: I have become a groomzilla, the increasingly common (and dreaded) masculine version of a micromanaging bride.
If you wear these things in public, you might want a lawyer to explain the local indecent exposure laws.
America's most hideous politician has destroyed America's most beautiful state.
I am convinced that Cosmo’s editors simply look around the office for random objects to use on phalluses.
There was no single moment when I transformed into an unhinged, raving authoritarian; propaganda works in repetition — in accumulation.
“Jack Daniel’s is a very manly thing to drink… like sperm…"
How I gave myself the actual medical affliction known as Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome.
“If this doesn’t hurt you, can we buy a bigger one?” my girlfriend asks. “I want you to feel what I felt.”
Goodness Gracious, I'm going to enjoy licking those Fatty Fun Bags till they fucking erode.
Shortly after writing this piece, I lost my gig as a columnist for the Anchorage Daily News. For some reason, the editors did not appreciate being represented this way to a worldwide celebrity.