OK, I’ll admit it: I have become a groomzilla, the increasingly common (and dreaded) masculine version of a micromanaging bride.

If you wear these things in public, you might want a lawyer to explain the local indecent exposure laws.

America's most hideous politician has destroyed America's most beautiful state.

I am convinced that Cosmo’s editors simply look around the office for random objects to use on phalluses.

There was no single moment when I transformed into an unhinged, raving authoritarian; propaganda works in repetition — in accumulation.

“Jack Daniel’s is a very manly thing to drink… like sperm…"

How I gave myself the actual medical affliction known as Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome.

“If this doesn’t hurt you, can we buy a bigger one?” my girlfriend asks. “I want you to feel what I felt.”

Goodness Gracious, I'm going to enjoy licking those Fatty Fun Bags till they fucking erode.

Shortly after writing this piece, I lost my gig as a columnist for the Anchorage Daily News. For some reason, the editors did not appreciate being represented this way to a worldwide celebrity.