The middle-aged, spandex-covered holistic bohemians have trouble with the rectum-in-the-air position, for some reason.

Goodness Gracious, I'm going to enjoy licking those Fatty Fun Bags till they fucking erode.

An international drug ring of Hasidic Jews helped transport ecstasy from overseas. To see if this would cause prejudice to spread, I dressed up like a Hasidic Jew and marched around town.

Babe Alert: a tanned beauty facedown in a blue bikini the size of a dust particle. I approach her, extremely cautious to keep Mr. Happy Wee-Wee down.

I sprayed everywhere with chemical air freshener. PARANOIA. PARANOIA. PARANOIA. The house still reeked of weed and now it reeked of Lysol too.

Shortly after writing this piece, I lost my gig as a columnist for the Anchorage Daily News. For some reason, the editors did not appreciate being represented this way to a worldwide celebrity.

Three things are certain in life: death, taxes and becoming decrepit before you die.

Women talk about how they are victims of discrimination all the time, but Man is the persecuted gender. Just look around and see how males are excluded...

Go ahead and laugh. It won’t be very funny when the Visitors from Another Galaxy are jamming metal rods and probes into all of your body cavities.