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Welcome to Basic Training.

As much as I enjoy getting hate mail and death threats—I'm currently keeping a canister of Planters on my body at all times for protection—I didn’t get a ton of pleasure from reading countless stories of horrific Emergency Room visits from parents who read my latest incoherent diatribe, "Your Peanut-Allergic Kid is a Little Goddamn Sissy (By a Manly Man Allergic to Pollen and Cats)."

Some of those visits proved fatal. Have you ever compounded the grief of someone whose toddler died from anaphylactic shock? It doesn’t feel particularly awesome!

Also a shock: my tear ducts are capable of producing liquid.

I've searched the grimy labyrinth of my soul—who knew I had one?—and decided to restore my karma, so I don't wind up like the last guy who mocked peanut allergies and then had a peanut-allergic baby. How am I going to do this?

Easy: by teaching these kids how to deal with insensitive pricks like me.

1. Become a Smartass

There are two types of bullying: physical violence (we'll get to that in a minute) and verbal teasing, which a quarter of peanut-allergic kids receive. Bullies aren't the most clever wordsmiths—usually their vocabulary is limited to "retard" and various homophobic slurs—but they're mindlessly persistent. For example:

Bully: "Hey, shithead. Why do you smell like shit, shithead?"

You: "Please don't call me shithead."

Bully: "Whatever you say, shithead."

This is a losing strategy. You can't ask for mercy; bullies don't understand the concept. And I know from experience: back in elementary school, the bigger kids called me "Marty Farty" every day. (Also, since Back to the Future reigned supreme at the box office in the '80s, I was asked "you chicken, McFly?" ad nauseam.)

Last Halloween, owning my childhood trauma.
(I am also farting.)

Instead of accepting the bullies' sadistic taunts, I learned that wisecracks were the best defense mechanism. You have to fight fire with fire; it's psych 101 that bullies tease others because they feel insecure themselves (*cough*). And luckily they have an Achilles' heel: traveling in packs.

Like wolves, only more bloodthirsty.

You see, bullies prefer to stick together, because making fun of someone is boring unless other people laugh. But if you can make the Beta Bullies laugh at the Alpha Bully with a better insult than he can muster, you win.

Alpha Bully: "Hey, shithead. Why do you smell like shit, shithead?"

You: "Because your mom forgot to clean her ass today."

Beta Bullies: "Ha! Ha! You suck at bullying, Alpha Bully."

Alpha Bully: [spontaneously combusts]

2. Learn Karate (Or Better Yet, Ninjutsu)

It's so adorable when you rip a bully's pancreas out.

You've delivered your wisecrack zinger. One of two things will now happen: the Alpha Bully (who didn't really combust) will either leave the scene with his tail behind his legs, humiliated in front of the Beta Bullies, or—desperate to regain dominance—will assault you. The choice: fight or flee?

Here's the thing: if you flee, you'll just have to flee another day, and another, and another.

"The line must be drawn here! This far, no further!"

The problem with today's parents is they believe self-defense is always wrong, because hitting is hitting is hitting. This is complete bullshit. An unprovoked attack is always wrong—for example, the Iraq war—but the world is a dangerous place and you have to make a stand when threatened, preferably with a roundhouse kick to the spleen.

One of the most glorious moments of my childhood came when a bully took a swing at me on the playground. Thanks to years of karate lessons (fun factoid: I made purple belt, but wasn't promoted to brown because I was too violent), I instinctively grabbed his arm, placed my leg in front of his, and—even though I was a runt—used his own momentum to fling him over my shoulder. He crashed to the gravel, utterly defeated, and the other kids cheered for my act of bravery.

My bully never messed with me again, and—if you use your martial arts skills as a last resort—neither will yours.

3. Don't Let Them Get Under Your Skin

This is difficult to do when a bully is wagging peanut butter in your face, which happens to a third of peanut-allergic kids, and is why they should learn karate/ninjutsu (see above). But ultimately the only power that bullies have is the power you give them.

Bullies are like electronic devices.

Schools can and should educate children about peanut allergies if a classmate is affected, because society has a duty to protect its most vulnerable members. Unfortunately, kids have always been cruel little monsters to one another. Some of them pick on their peers for any perceived weakness—whether it's health-related, height-related, weight-related, or for no reason at all—and at some point you just have to ignore them.

The first parent who contacted me after publication of my article had a strange request: he wanted me to explain to his peanut-allergic son over the phone why I wrote it, because "I refuse to shelter him from the world, both the ugly and the beautiful."

I declined the invitation—a bunch of adults didn't understand that it was dark comedy, so how would a nine-year-old?—because I assumed it would ruin the kid's self-esteem forever. (Just like how many of the outraged parents assumed that my sarcastic ramblings would endanger their children.) And believe it or not, I want to make people laugh, not cry.

This is the email I received back:

"Thanks for the reply Marty, and understand the pass. As for my son, he has read it — and simply replied 'what a dick.' But again I know he will always run in to these types of things and he sure as hell better learn to brush the dust off his shoulders."

That kid isn't a little goddamn sissy. That kid is my goddamn hero.