Red Pants: The Obituary
Five months after taking the fashion world by storm, red pants — last seen in the storefront windows of Express, Banana Republic, H&M, and other major clothing retailers — were found dead yesterday in clearance sale bins everywhere.
Born in the spring, red pants became ubiquitous in New York and Los Angeles, as seen on unkempt loft dwellers and Hollywood royalty alike, before spreading like a virulent pox throughout the heartland. The eye-catching scarlet garments received media attention from National Public Radio, The Huffington Post, and GQ, which recommended pairs ranging from $39.50 to $98.50. At press time, however, millions of weak-willed, credit card-waving automatons of both genders were replacing their crimson slacks with whatever new temporary fad their corporate masters have decided upon.
"We always knew that women would love red pants," said a family statement. "They're accustomed to designers introducing new trends with each season, yielding a constant existential insecurity that marketers prey on like cheetahs do gazelles. But what shocked us is that men, who traditionally think of clothes as a long-term investment and stick to more conservative styles, embraced this freak craze with atypical glee. We could not imagine a more fitting tribute." The statement concluded, "Red pants might be gone, but — thanks to the Instagram archives of countless insufferable hipsters — will never be forgotten."
Red pants were preceded in death by the poncho (2004 — 2005), jeggings (2010 — 2011), and Crocs™ (the moment they were invented — the very next moment). In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to your nearest Goodwill or Salvation Army dumpster. Memorial services will be held on VH1's inevitable retrospective series I Love the '10s, which nobody does.
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