I am writing this article to warn you of a potentially serious threat to your personal health, as well as that of the entire human race: alien abduction.
Go ahead, laugh. It won’t be very funny when the visitors from another galaxy are jamming metal rods and probes in all of your body cavities while implanting their mind-altering devices in your brain. Most abductees don’t even remember that they’ve been abducted, so some of you reading this today probably have been contacted by visitors from another galaxy multiple times in the past. You, reading this right now. Yes, you. There is a fairly good chance that you’ve been abducted by aliens. After all, some abductees are everyday Americans just like us.
We’re at the dawn of the millennium and, as the numbers of both Elvis sightings and hairs on U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno’s back increase, so too do the amount of alien abductions reported. Why? I don’t know. However, I find it my personal responsibility to explain to you what the typical alien abduction is like, so innocent readers will know what to do if monsters one day try to colonize our planet and deplete our numbers as if we were nothing more than wild animals with a population problem.
(None of this can accurately be foreseen or proven, as there is no documented proof of extraterrestrial life. But it very well could happen, according to X-Files fans worldwide, and there is no better journalistic source than X-Files fans.)
There is a highly respected field of study for those who believe they’ve been taken from their homes (usually cardboard boxes or holes in the ground) by evil beings from another galaxy. This field has been deemed “abductology,” and I recently had the unique pleasure of speaking with one of its leading researchers, Dr. Lynval Zorthrax (editor’s note: Dr. Lynval Zorthrax is a figment of Marty Beckerman’s imagination).
MB: According to the average patient, what is a typical alien abduction like?
Zorthrax: Well, usually the victim will report seeing some kind of bright light. Then they will feel as if they can’t move their muscles—this is why people can’t resist abduction. Next, the victim feels as if he is weightless, and then usually floats up to the gigantic mothership, where he will be exposed to all sorts of experiments consisting of unconventional uses for a salad fork.
MB: Do you think the human race would survive in a full-scale war against these aliens? Please don’t let the outcome of the film Independence Day influence your answer.
Zorthrax: Well, I don’t believe in aliens personally. I simply get paid to listen to baloney from people who do. (Laughs)
MB: Who is most prone to an alien abduction: a water drinker or a soda drinker?
Zorthrax: Most likely, a drinker of hard liquor.
Obviously, it is apparent that all of us are in danger of not only losing our planet to these evil beings from another galaxy, but also our very lives. For your family to be the safest, you should take these three important steps:
1. Be sure to lock all of your doors and windows at night.
2. Join a cult that believes in aliens as the supreme beings, so that when the spaceship from Mars comes to collect the chosen ones, you will be included.
3. Never miss a single episode of The X-Files, Star Trek, or Ally McBeal.
Whatever you do, wherever you go, you must never forget that the truth is out there, but it’s probably a lot more boring than blatant lies about the paranormal.