I ♥ Y2K

Apparently there is a glitch in all of Earth’s computers, so that on January 1, 2000, they will think it’s January 1, 1900. It might just be me, but I find it kind of troubling that the scientific community doesn’t know for certain what will happen to everyday life in our somewhat civilized society after this “Y2K” bug hits, because they’re too busy coming up with inventions like the Gigapet for people who have no life.

Now, some of you might think, “Oh no, I don’t want to live in 1900.” Personally, I couldn’t be happier about it. Wouldn’t it be awesome to see what life was like a hundred years ago? I would love that. Just think, we could all go back through time . . . without really going back through time. What a concept. I almost get a headache trying to comprehend it.

The second complication this Y2K bug may cause is that all of the major electronic bank accounts worldwide will be either lost or transferred. Now, some people might get really stressed out about that. They might think hectic thoughts like, “Oh no, I am going to lose all of my precious, hard-earned money.”

On the other hand, I rejoice! I love the idea that a smelly homeless guy named something like “Woofter the Smelly Homeless Guy” could wind up with my family’s savings while we get his, making us have to beg for dimes in order to simply stay alive, even though dying would probably be less grueling for us. That thought fills me with glee and makes me a very happy person.

Another technicality of this wonderful Y2K bug is that the electric companies may lose their power, creating a worldwide blackout that will take us back to the days before electricity was harnessed. None of our modern appliances would work, changing life as we know it completely.

You might be thinking, “Oh no, that would be terrible!” However, I would like you to know that it would be fantastic. Living like prehistoric cavemen would be great fun. In my opinion, there is no more exciting job on Earth than that of “hunter-gatherer.” Hey, as long as we’re living like cavemen, we also can wear leopard skins as clothes, right? I love how those just slide on and off without ever being too tight.

Finally, thanks to the Y2K bug, which probably is a gift from God himself, it seems that the U.S. military might lose control of its nuclear weapons, which all will be launched at the exact same time to different targets all over the globe. Even though the CIA won’t tell the press which countries might be blown to pieces, an inside source at the Pentagon, who calls himself “Deep Throat,” tells this reporter that “after the missiles go off . . . there is a good chance that the people of Iran, Iraq, Cuba, and most of Kansas will probably be deader than Vanilla Ice’s career.” (Editor’s note: in his spare time, Marty Beckerman pretends his name is “Deep Throat.”)

Sure, some might think, “Oh no, the whole world is going to blow up.” On the other hand, I believe it will be the greatest thing to happen in recorded history. Who really liked intelligent life anyway? When it comes down to it, we’re all just taking up space. Things would make a lot more sense if Earth were uninhabited just like all of the other planets. There is nothing wrong with conformity. Actually, conforming is good.

So, just to recap, the Y2K bug will cause these four minor complications:

1. Computers will think that it is 1900.

2. Bank accounts will be bungled up.

3. We won’t have electricity anymore.

4. Every living thing will die an unbearably painful death in a giant nuclear holocaust.

So you see, the year 2000 computer glitch isn’t that big a deal, but instead just another little nose hair in the ever-expanding nostril that is technology. A little nose hair, by the way, that definitely is more of a blessing than a curse.