Stop Leo-Mania Before It’s Too Late

I have a confession for all of my beloved readers: I’ve never seen Titanic.

Why not? Quite simply, because I hate Leonardo DiCaprio with a vengeance, and not just because he’s my twin brother (we were separated at birth). Instead, I hate DiCaprio because he has melted the brains of countless girls into a mush slightly resembling cinnamon oatmeal.

How did he do it?

I have absolutely no clue.

Somehow, though, almost everywhere I look, I see clusters of girls talking about how “hot,” “super-hot,” and “hella-hot” DiCaprio’s body is. In fact, the other day I was taking the bus home, and a swarm of female teens got on. These girls, amazed at how much I look like DiCaprio, started a conversation with me.

“Where do you go to school?” a girl asked.

“McLaughlin Youth Penitentiary,” I said. “I’ve just escaped.”

The cluster of girls giggled some, probably understanding that I had just told a joke.

“So who’s hotter, Leo or Taylor Hanson?” I asked them, just out of curiosity.

“Definitely Leo,” said one girl.

“Leo is God,” another told me.

“We must worship God Leo!” one of them screamed at the top of her little lungs.

At that moment, I knew my purpose on Earth: to stop Leonardo DiCaprio and his sick mind games.

Most Americans know what a zombie is, but many don’t associate the living-dead image with a preteen girl who has seen Titanic every single night since it came out on video. Now, don’t get me wrong; I believe it’s perfectly fine to enjoy the talent of a celebrity. However, when idolization becomes obsession, as is clearly the case of Leo-Mania, there will be unhealthy effects.

The point, of course, is that most girls need to learn that Leonardo DiCaprio, or any other Hollywood hunk for that matter, will never love them. Leo could probably get any woman on the face of the planet, so why would he go for some twelve-year-old who doesn’t exactly know Kleenex are for noses?

Thank you for reading, and have a nice Leo-free day.