Drinking and Driving: Safer than Driving and Aging

Semi-retired astronaut John Glenn, at approximately 6,000 years old, made his legendary return to space this week. The shuttle trip is nothing more than a NASA publicity stunt after years of failures, but the real question on everyone’s mind is why—even though there are homeless people all over this country and many children go hungry—WE PAID MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF TAX DOLLARS TO SEND THIS OLD COOT INTO OUTER FREAKING SPACE?!?

Glenn seems like a nice guy, and it’s not his fault that he has become elderly. But most elderly people are not given the opportunity to fly a kazillion-dollar space shuttle out of Earth’s atmosphere at fourteen miles per hour with the left-turn signal flashing the entire way.

Am I saying that old people are bad drivers?

No, I’m saying that old people are horrible drivers. When you reach the age of 105, you aren’t too worried about dying, and you might not be worried about how many people you take with you.

It’s very possible that old people cause 99 percent of the traffic-related fatalities in our fair metropolis, even after taking into consideration drunks, teenagers, and red-light-running jerks. Anchorage is a safe city, aside from all of the murders and rapes and burglaries and arsons and drive-by shootings, and this seems like an unnecessary risk.

Senior citizens are often great people. My grandparents, God bless them, are some of the sweetest folks who have ever given me presents. Old people have made enormous sacrifices for our country and made it the great nation that it is today. However, they pose an immediate threat to every living organism on our roads and nearby sidewalks, lawns, etc.

Personally, I turn sixteen years old in a couple months, which means that I’ll finally get to drive without my parents screaming at me from the passenger seat to:

  1. Slow down.
  2. Slow down.
  3. Watch out for that cat.
  4. Slow down.
  5. Turn on windshield wipers to remove pesky feline entrails.
  6. Slow down.

Yes, I’m excited to hit the road, but I’m afraid that some WWII veteran will hit me. So wherever the road takes you, please drive safety—especially if you’ve forgotten to take your memory pills.