Prepping for Prom

It’s common for teenage girls to obsess over the prom, but the last couple weeks have been ridiculous at my school. All I’ve heard in the hallways has been:

1) “Do you have your dress yet?”

2) “What’s your dress like?”

3) “Oh no! That’s my dress!”

4) “If you wear my dress, I’ll slit your throat with a steak knife, you ugly witch!”

It makes sense that girls want to look stunning, and having someone dressed exactly the same is a threat. But their passion over dresses is no match for their passion over dates. Here’s some more typical hallway banter:

1) “Did a guy ask you to prom?”

2) “Which guy?”

3) “Oh no! That’s who I wanted to go with.”

4) “If you go with him, I’ll murder your firstborn child with a salad fork, you cheap skank!”

To see what all the fuss is over, I decided to go to the winter prom, which was an enjoyable experience aside from throwing away lots and lots of my money.

First off, I needed a date. I asked my friend █████ to go with me “just as friends,” which means “no action for Marty.” I already had a suit, but I needed to buy █████ one of those flower-wristbands. So I called the flower shop:

Me: “Hello, I need a cleavage.”

Florist:Excuse me?”

Me: “The flower-wristband thing?”

Florist: “A corsage.”

Me: “Uh . . . yeah . . . whatever.”

Yes, preparing for prom was unpleasant, but at the end of the evening—over the course of which I did not dance, because I cannot dance, although █████ found a willing partner and coincidentally did not need a ride home from me—not only had I lost all of my money, I was also still a virgin.

At least nobody was wearing the same dress as me.