Today’s Teens Are Tomorrow’s Geezers

Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and becoming decrepit. In fact, years from now, WE WILL BECOME OLD AND SENILE JUST LIKE OUR PARENTS AND EVEN (GASP!) GRANDPARENTS.

It’s called the aging process, and it’s not going to be pretty. It’s probably not going to smell very good either. It all starts with . . .

THE MIDLIFE CRISIS

When you reach a certain age, you realize that your life has become a never-ending cycle of going through the motions, and therefore you must do something dramatic to feel young and impulsive again. For example, many middle-aged men exchange their wives, children, and pets for sports cars, dyed hair, and girlfriends their daughters’ age. They feel like new men, but don’t realize that their bodies have undergone the cruel process of…

BIOLOGICAL MELTDOWN

Whether or not you believe in evolution, you’ll discover that the human body is like a cut of steak: tender and juicy when fresh, but rotten, leathery, and gross when left in the open for half a century. Nothing lasts forever, especially when it comes to…

HAIR LOSS

As a guy who is genetically doomed to lose all of his hair, this is an issue near and dear to my heart. There are only four options when you lose your locks, and none are ideal:

• The Toupee: Wigs can’t grow your hair back, but at least they can help you look as if you have a dead squirrel upon your dome.
• The Combover: A centuries-old technique, this is like a magician’s trick that will convince people that you aren’t a balding man—you’re a balding man who has combed his remaining hair to one side!
• The Surgery: You can take hair from a certain part of your body (legs, arms, back . . . use your own sick imagination) and weave it into your scalp. With a qualified surgeon, other people will look at you as a man with natural hair, but the question is how you will look at yourself in the mirror, knowing the truth.
• LIVE WITH IT, BALDY! IT’S OVER! THE DREAM IS DEAD!

TOOTH LOSS

We’ve all seen old people remove their dentures and place them into a cup. It’s revolting. This is all.

HEARING LOSS

You: “Do you have a quarter?”

Old person: “What?”

You: “Do you have a quarter?”

Old person: “What?”

You: “DO YOU HAVE A QUARTER?”

Old person: “Yes, please bury my cat. It’s been rotting for days!”

THE LONG GOODBYE

Our parents considered themselves to be “cool” at one point. (Take a moment to laugh hysterically.) They listened to rock ‘n’ roll, ingested more drugs than food, and even looked attractive, as strange as that might sound. But now they’re on the way to the nursing home and/or grave, and someday we’ll face the same fate.

So the next time you see an old person—whether it’s your grandma or someone you’ve never met—treat them with kindness, because someday you’ll wish a young person would do the same for you. Right before they pull the plug.