How To Stop The Youth Of America From Smoking Cigarettes

While studies have shown a decrease in teen smoking over the past few years, I would have to say we haven’t really solved the problem at all, judging from the smell of four out of ten teenagers. (Some people might argue that B.O. and tobacco are two different smells, but they’re close enough.)

This statistic—although I’ve just made it up—deeply worries me. There are a lot of teenagers who smoke, constantly stinking like the stuff between my toes in the morning, or “filthage” as I’ve named it. Which brings up the question: why exactly DO young people smoke cigarettes?

While the American Lung Association will tell us that pop-culture and peer pressure are both to blame, there are lots of other reasons, ranging from stupidity to, on the other end of the spectrum, stupidity. We need a final solution to the problem of teen smoking. (Hitler also used the term “final solution,” but that doesn’t compare to the stench of cigarettes.)

Teenagers have always smoked, and teenagers will continue to smoke, filling their lungs with the same substance that is found in tires and driveways.

Unless the dorks do it.

You see, cool people smoke, and everyone wants to be cool, so if we make thousands—nay, millions—of dorks light up, people who want to be cool would see all of these dorks trying to look cool and then say to themselves, “Wow, I hate dorks! Everything they do is dorky! Like smoking!”

Some of you might feel offended that I would suggest exposing millions of dorks to cancer, leukemia, and emphysema. You are forgetting that dorks are annoying.

I understand that smokers reading this right now might also be offended. However, I believe they have better things to do with their time, such as hacking up chunks of various respiratory tissue (lungs, trachea, etc.), so I wish them a nice life.

What’s left of it anyway.