GOParty Animals

“The less virtue we have in our society, the more need for government to control our lives,” Senator Rick Santorum (R.-Pa.) tells hundreds of young people at the 2005 Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, D.C.

Hours later I’m hanging out with two CPAC attendees, Steve and Doug, College Republicans from Ohio, at Coyote Ugly. “If you want to fuck a girl in the ass, you can’t just ask for it,” says Doug. “You have to do it subtle. Get some saliva on your finger when you’re fucking her in the pussy and slide it up her asshole, then press gently. She’ll love it, and after that she’s open to anything.”

Doug continues, “You can get into Republican girls’ pants, but it’s a challenge. You have to lay on the ‘How are you doing?’ and ‘You’re so beautiful’ shit. Liberal girls are much easier.”

Steve (who at one point in the evening yells “Fuck Rick Santorum—I’m getting laid tonight!”) climbs into a taxi with three brunettes from the George Washington University College Democrats. Steve can’t remember the name of his hotel, so the young women, who describe themselves as “huge sluts” and confess they “would totally get an abortion,” direct the cabbie to their dorm. Doug, meanwhile, collects phone numbers. “So what if I’m a Republican?” he says. “I love sex and I hate family values. I’m never falling in love.”

Steve and Doug are just two of the many students I meet at CPAC who identify themselves as devout Republicans, but who still party hard. These “South Park Republicans” want low taxes and high times: they oppose the drug war, obscenity laws, abstinence education and marriage protection acts, but support George W. Bush and the party with religious fervor.

The number of College Republican clubs has more than tripled in the past four years, totaling at least 200,000 members. College Democrats only have 100,000. But the typical young conservative these days wouldn’t be recognized by those who campaigned for Ronald Reagan.

(That’s not to say every young Republican at CPAC greeted me with open arms. A few delegates and speakers, including Santorum, refused to speak with Playboy. One student cited my credentials from a “smutty porno mag that should be banned.” Another told me, “I believe in the Bible, not having fun.”)