Marty Beckerman Gets F**ked In The A** By His Girlfriend And The Dildo Of Revenge

“Anything you want.” She’s naked and drunk. “Anything.”

“Um…” I’m naked and drunker. “Can I put it in your butt?”


“OK…” I smear Astroglide all over my cock. “You’re sure?

“Uh huh…” She looks nervous. Perfectly understandable. I’d be nervous too if I were about to shove my cock up my asshole. (Note to Self: This would probably require a knife.)

“Relax… I’ll go slow…”

“You… you promise?”

“Would I lie to you?

“All right… all right… all riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—”

Her scream one-ups the Death Cries of Auschwitz.

“No more,” she wails. “Oh fuck it hurts, oh fuck it hurts.

I withdraw less than a second after entering the Forbidden Nether Region. “I’m sorry honey I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sor—”

“It hurts so much.” Tears streak down her cheeks. (Her face cheeks, not her ass cheeks.)

“Oh baby, I didn’t think it would hurt you. The girls in porn like it and my friends all say it’s awesome and… oh, please stop crying… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ll never ask for that again.”

“No, I’m sorry…” She sniffles. “I wanted to make you happy but it just hurts so much.”

“Never again. Like the Holocaust, baby. Please stop crying, please please please.” And then I say it: You can fuck me in the ass.”

“What?” She perks up. “What did you say?”

“Um…” What did I say? “You… could… like…”

“Fuck you in the ass?” She grins. “You mean with a dildo?

“Yeeeeeaah…” Anything to keep her happy.

“Can I wear a strap-on?” she asks, beaming. “I want to know what it’s like to be on top!”

“Sure. Fine. Whatever.” I’m not worried; she’s clearly too drunk to remember this in the morning. “Let’s go to sleep and worry about logistics tomorrow, okay?”

Six hours later I awake, nauseous with a throbbing headache.

“Wow,” she chirps. “I can’t wait to tap your ass.

Although I consider patronizing a local Adult Toy Store, I realize how weird I’d sound asking for a strap-on. (If I were gay, I might ask for a dildo, but why would any man purchase a plastic cock in a harness?) So I turned to the Internet and found the Xandria Strap-On Anal Pleaser, the sales text of which proclaimed: “Strap-on this delightfully slim butt toy, and thrust your way to backdoor bliss!”

I had trouble deciding between the $19.95 vibrating model and $9.95 non-vibrating model. However, I concluded that the good vibrations (she’s giving me excitations) would numb my bum and alleviate the agony. Besides, the Anal Pleaser is a legitimate tax write-off ‘cause of this column. Thanks, IRS!

Like any straight man in my position—or the position I’d shortly assume—I asked a gay friend for anal advice. “Ejaculations can be much, much, much more intense with pressure on the prostate,” explained my Gay Friend. “Have you ever ejaculated straight into your mouth without trying, or gotten it in your hair or eyes? You can have a continuous orgasm throughout the entire affair.”

Wow, Gay Friend, sounds pretty awesome. (And yes, I once accidentally unloaded into my own face—sophomore year—when a girl declined to swallow and instead jacked me like a kangaroo on PCP.)

“Use lots and lots of lube,” added my butt-banging buddy. “There’s a saying of ‘too much lube is almost enough.’ Take a shit and shower before you start. Start with a finger, slowly in and out. Make sure nails aren’t going to cut you apart.”

Okay, okay, I tell myself, I can handle this.

“And it’s going to hurt. A lot. Until you get used to the sphincter stretching, it’s very painful. Afterward it’s going to burn like a motherfucker. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of things up my ass.”

Like what, Gay Friend?

“A baseball bat,” the Weird Fucker confessed. “And I did it handle first. This was an aluminum bat, and… it catches. It won’t come out. I had a fucking baseball bat stuck up my ass, tearing on my sphincter… wedged in there… bleeding… how was I supposed to explain this to my parents, when they had to take me to the ER to surgically remove a baseball bat from their son’s rectum?”

Good Lord, Gaylord!

Needless to say, I wondered if I could handle the pain—of the dildo, not a baseball bat—but good Christian chicks take it up the ass all the time to retain their “technical virginity,” right? And I’m not letting any Jesus Freaks out-perv me.

“Let’s wait,” I gulp, naked & shivering like a virgin on prom night. My stomach aches from nervousness. “You know… until our wedding night… I mean, I like you and all; I just don’t know if I’m ready.

“If this doesn’t hurt you, can we buy a bigger one?” my girlfriend asks, Anal Pleaser strapped around her waist. “I want you to feel what I felt.”

Oh Jesus… I see my life flash before my eyes. I see myself—five minutes in the future—crouched in my bathtub, leaking blood into the water.

“Do you want me to dress up like a man?” she asks. “Do you want to dress up like a girl?”

“Gentle.” I’m breathing heavily. “We have to go slow or else you’ll tear me up.”

“So I don’t get to fuck you?” She sighs. “I have to make love to you?”

“I’m scared… just go slow… and be careful… and I love you…”

“Don’t worry.” She winks. “I’ll still respect you in the morning.”

She plugs the Vibrator into the External Battery Pack.


Before the Plunge, I desperately knock back four consecutive shots of Jameson Irish Whiskey. (No way I’m doing this sober.) And then I lay face-down on the bed, praying to the God who most likely considers this a Fucking Abomination.

Here is what my tape recorder captures:

GF: “Are you going to pass out? You don’t look so good.”

MB: “Okay, I’ll lube up your penis.”

GF: “This is really weird.”

MB: “Okay, we’ve got you lubed up.”

GF (prying my asshole open): “Let’s open this up more.”

MB: “You might not want to look.”

GF: “I have to get it in there. Oh my god.”

MB: “You could just kind of approach and feel around… you don’t have to look.”

GF: “Is it near it? Is it going in?”

MB: “Yeah. Holy shit.

GF: “Do you want me to take it out?”

MB: “No, I can take it. Come in slow. Okay. Slow.”

GF: “Oh my god… is it… should I keep going? There’s more. Does it feel good or does it feel bad?”

MB: “More lube. Just rub it on the penis.”

GF: “Is that better?”

MB: “Oh.”

GF: “Are you going to come?”

MB: “No. Just… give me a minute.”

GF: “You’re really taking it like a real trooper here.”

MB:Oh! Oh! How much is up there now?”

GF: “Almost all the way up.”

MB: “You’re kidding. Really?”

GF: “We should’ve gotten a bigger one… there’s still like another half-inch. Go in?”

MB: “Oh fuck... Slowly! Slowly in and out!”

GF: “I’m makin’ love to you, baby.”

MB (feeling urgent need to defecate): “I hope I don’t lose bowel control.”

GF: “Yeah. Please don’t.”

MB: “Oh God… it’s… good.”

GF: “Yeeeeeaaaaaah.”

MB: “Oohhhhhhhh. Unh… that’s kind of nice.”

GF: “You like that, bitch?”

MB: “Unh. Unh.”

GF: “You like it when I fuck you in the ass, bitch?”

MB: “It came out. I think it came out.”

GF: “Did it? Oh yeah, it did, huh?”

MB: “Put it back in slow… you can give me a reach around.”

GF: “Like that?”

MB:Unh. Unh. I’ll guide you in.”

GF: “Is that in?”

MB: “Yeah. Keep pushing.”

GF: “That’s all the way in.”

MB: “More lube?”

GF: “We’re pretty much out… the look on your face…”

MB: Unh. Unh. Unh. Unh.

GF: “Next time we need to get a bigger strap-on.”

MB: “Definitely. A bigger dick…”

GF: “I can’t even see it anymore. It’s shoved all the way up there.”

MB:Oh. Where’s my prostate?”

GF: “Honey, I can’t tell you that.”

MB: “It’s not hitting my G-Spot… it’s fully submerged now?”

GF: “Maybe we need a bigger household object to shove up there.”

MB (finding the prostate): “Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnh.”

GF: “Your whole body is turning red. Your entire body.”

MB (moaning & sweating & climaxing):Unnnnh. Unnnnnh. Oh. I’m on the verge of coming. Oh. Unh. Unh. Unh. Unh. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Unnnnh. Holy shit. Fuck. Oh fuck I’m still coming. Unh. Unh. Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnh. I’m still coming. Oh my god. Get it out of my asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.”

GF: “You’re sweating all over.”

MB (removing dildo and dab of poop): “We need to put this in a Ziploc bag… it’s a bio-hazard!”

GF: “Your back is red. And your front. You have sex rash.”

MB: “I’ve never had sex rash.”

GF: “So was that the best orgasm you’ve ever had?”

MB: “You conquered me. You conquered my ass.”

GF: “I want to conquer it again with a bigger dick.”