I Tried ‘Cosmo’ Sex Advice And Lived To Tell

Originally published at TheGloss.com

As a self-respecting male of the species I have never felt the need to read Cosmopolitan, a magazine that women in 100+ countries impulsively purchase at supermarkets, or whatever passes for supermarkets in the developing world. After perusing its pages for the first time recently, however, I have no idea what I read; the experience was disorienting and disturbing, much like visiting an alternate universe where the rules of reality no longer apply—an alternate universe where nobody is secure about any aspect of their lives: what they eat, what they wear, what they say, what they think, ad infinitum. It’s a mystery: does Cosmo drive women insane or simply reinforce their natural insanity?

In the March 2010 issue I discovered soul-crushing, OCD-generating headlines and guidance such as:

  • “Secrets Your Friends Know About You… That You Don’t” (Your life is a LIE!)
  • “Is Being Too Nice Making You Sick?” (Everything you do is WRONG!)
  • “Curb Your Cravings! Without feeding your face” (Like a barnyard ANIMAL!)
  • “When young women dine out with a thin pal who chows down, they subconsciously follow her lead and eat heartily as well” (Your friends are KILLING you!)
  • “Yikes: 15 percent of condom-users will become pregnant each year” (At least you won’t die ALONE! Maybe!)
  • “Men are intimidated by smart women” (Say NOTHING! Just giggle! Tee hee!)
  • “Spider Veins on Your Legs” (Youth is SLIPPING through your hands like sand!)
  • “Little Things That Spoil Your Look” (No detail is too miniscule! Always FRET!)
  • “When Breasts Don’t Match” (God just HATES some people!)
  • “Every time I shave my legs, I miss random sections. How do I get every inch?” (Scrape! And scrape! And bleed! And SCRAPE!)
  • “The next time you’re running errands in sucky weather, bring your tiniest travel umbrella. When you spot a hunk whose umbrella you’d like to get under, stash yours in your purse.” (Love is manipulation! LIFE is manipulation!)
  • “The #1 Lie Guys Tell Their Partner: ‘Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.’” (And he would be fine if you stopped interrogating him about his lies! ALL HIS LIES!)
  • “How long has it been since your last bikini wax or trim?” (If you have to ASK, it’s been TOO LONG!)
  • “Bad boys can be reformed.” (He will NEVER divorce you! The ER visits at 4 a.m. never happened!)

Wow, Cosmopolitan is a terrible magazine. I can almost understand why many feminists believe that it’s a tool of the patriarchy designed to keep women dumb and submissive, but their conspiracy theory is foolish because A) the Cosmo masthead is 95 percent female names, and B) no man would ever write this bullshit. For example:

  • “Biggest Guy Insight: When he texts ‘hey,’ he’s not being cryptic. He wants you to know he’s thinking about you, and he’s craving reassurance that he’s on your mind too.” (If you have a functional penis, you have never “craved reassurance.”)
  • “Most women don’t go nuts for no reason.” (HA HA HA HA HA HA yeah right.)
  • While giving oral sex, “Alternate between [tongue] flicking and lightly blowing on it.” (Blowing on it? What the hell? It’s not literally a “blow job,” you freak.)
  • “One reason men crave makeup sex is simply for reassurance that the relationship is not on the rocks.” (No, honey, it’s because he seriously wants to hate-fuck you.)

Further proof that Cosmo does not understand men whatsoever: the ABSOLUTELY PSYCHOTIC sex advice, as Cracked.com reported in “Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital.” (Specifically: “bite the skin of his scrotum,” “tug the [pubic] hairs,” “sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes,” “grab on to it like you’re milking a cow,” “make two fists around [the] shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”) The March 2010 issue did not disappoint; I am convinced that Cosmo’s editors simply look around the office for random objects to use on phalluses:

  • “A SHOELACE: Wrap it around the middle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends. Then … pull on the strings, flossing it up and down. It provides a bit of friction that feels great.” (Yes, this “friction” is called “rope burn,” you idiots.)
  • “A LACE CAMI OR BRA: The lace adds a slightly rough texture … that’s unexpected and arousing.” (You know a slightly more arousing texture than your cotton undergarments? Wait for it… wait for it… your lubricated genitals!)
  • “A COTTON BALL: The slight tickle of this little fluff will make him yearn for a firmer touch. Take a few minutes to tease him…” (Seriously? You seriously want to rub unprocessed cotton on my junk for minutes at a time? Get lost, baby; the money is on the dresser.)
  • “A MANGO: Chew a small piece of mango … then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.” (An Altoid is one thing, but a mango hummer is just goddamned silly.)
  • “A FINE-TOOTH COMB: Apply a little bit of pressure, and … slide the comb’s teeth along his shaft… The light scratching gets his blood circulating throughout his member.” (Yes, it will get his blood circulating, BECAUSE YOU ARE STABBING HIM WITH A THOUSAND LITTLE RAZORS, YOU SICK FUCKING LUNATIC.)

However, I am a journalist, and therefore I do not knock things until I try them, so I convinced my girlfriend to try these ridiculous stimulations on my sensitive groin region. You can watch the results below. This is not suitable for work, obviously.